Meditations on Love

What does it mean to love?
Is it a noun or is it a verb?
Is it a feeling, anything more than just a word?
For years I mused what the essence of love could possibly mean.
I’ve heard that it can make you feel as royal as the queen
As high as a kite
As if you lie on cloud nine.

I thought love was possession,
But I learned my lesson when the man I thought I loved didn’t respect my discretion.
Love became an interjection to the usual direction of my life, a lesson I was not ready to learn. I became afraid to love.

Love is Simple

Real love is simple, uncomplicated and unadulterated giving. I’ve spent my whole life trying to get a man to love me by changing myself to suit his needs. I sought unconditional love by giving myself conditions to be loved. I thought, “He must love me because I’m smart. Or, he must love me because my makeup is perfectly applied and my curls are intact.” In my heart, I believed that once these conditions were removed, the love would be also. Many men proved my theories to be true. But, what I didn’t understand was, these men sought my body and lusted after me. I never loved them, nor did they love me.

Love at its core is the act of selfless giving. Giving your all to someone just to see them smile is loving. There is no required reciprocal act because making your lover happy makes you equally happy. Both lovers will do the same for each other when the love is shared between two people, causing their love to grow. Love is indeed an action word that should be displayed through acts of affection, kindness, and giving. There are different ways to express love and the way it is shown to the ‘beloved’ depends entirely on their ‘lover’, but it is most definitely always shown.

My greatest mistake in love was trying to change myself to be worthy of love. This caused my self-worth and self-love to dwindle. Changing myself instead of expressing my love for the person that holds my affection proved to them that I was not worthy of love. I was untrustworthy. If even my love for myself was conditional, how could they love and trust me to love them for who they are? It would be impossible for love to grow between us when I was too afraid to release any love from my being into someone else. My reserves of love were so depleted that I hoarded all ounces of warmth that I possessed.

It was only when I began to love myself, that I became able to trust my body to regenerate love once it had been shared with others, that I was abe to give love freely. I had to fall in love with myself before I was capable of loving anyone else. Once I was comfortable sharing my love, I poured it into a man who I trusted would do the same for me. We fell in love through acts of kindness, affection, honesty and pure intentions. It is love at it’s simplest form.

Love Actions

Falling, falling, falling
drops of my love on you.
Trickling
running along your skin
dancing over each fear
each insecurity
& all uncertainty.

Deeper, deeper, deeper
penetrating your skin
piercing
flowing through your veins
Energizing, blissful
peaceful, tranquil, relief.

Floating, floating, floating
in the streams of your blood.
Swimming
in polluted sea.
Cleansing, repairing love
healing misplaced grief.

The Heart Goes Last

My fingers yearn to touch another,
My lips long for foreign kisses
My skin trembles with the thought
But my heart remains in the past with the safety of you.
I know you’re not good for me,
I move on somewhat regretfully
Intentionally, forcing my mind to love another
Divulge stories of past hurt
Uplift a new man, imagine a new future with a new friend.
But a piece of my heart lies buried inside of a piece of you,
A piece of me I can never regain,
I await the day it rots in your abyss allowing me to continue amidst feelings of you.

“The past is so much safer, because whatever’s in it has already happened. It can’t be changed; so, in a way, there’s nothing to dread.”
― Margaret Atwood, The Heart Goes Last

Wordplay Foreplay

Why don’t you make yourself more of a mystery?
(This is what my mother always says to me.)
As if the curve of my breasts and the depth in my cleavage can equate to the depth of my soul.
As if the space between these double Ds reveal my inner being.

In society, we’ve lost the value of a woman.
It’s like once everyone has seen 2 titties and an ass, they think they’ve seen it all. 🙄
But the stream of consciousness in our minds is so much deeper
So much wetter n sweeter than the wetness that can be felt between our legs.
Instead of caressing, confess your biggest fears.
Divide your hornball tendencies and leave my legs closed.
Open your heart ❤️ instead of your eyes
Elevate your standards instead of lifting me onto your manhood
Then, when you say you love me,
I’ll believe it & reciprocate with a love so pure it can never be tormented by hatred.
Unconditional, spiritual, kindred souls.
A true relationship that penetrates more fiercely than sex.
A true friendship.
Genuine care and affection instead of caressing and sexin
Opening up so many layers of my mind, and penetrating insecurity until you get to the root of every fear
The stain of every tear cried for every man that came before you
Every man that forced themselves into my sacred noni
Loving every flaw, every piece of this brokenness and this broken mess that I am.

Freefallin’

I kept my soul enclosed the fortress of my heart
Behind the brick wall, I’ve built from heart breaks and aches that were thrown my way
But you broke down the walls of my fortress and lit my being on fire.
You entered unwaveringly into the darkness of the abyss that became my love
Removing fossilized remains of lovers past
Melting the ice around my crystallized heart
Allowing me to grow beyond the serenity of my cocoon, and fly to heights I couldn’t fathom before I met you.
Like a child ready to leave her mother’s womb- You
helped me to gestate, fed me the positivity I needed to heal
& stood by my side as I reach maturity.
I bleed through the scars of those that battered my bruised heart as I heal from tender wounds,
Open cuts and fragile veins
I surround my soul with love, relinquishing the fortress that protected her
Opening my heart to the idea of loving another again, I allow my pain and my love to bleed through the cracks of my heart
No longer trapped in my prison, my love flows freely through my being and to those around me
You protect me as I grow without fault or blame,
Emptying my arteries filled with pain, I see my Light.

Late Night Thoughts

My insecurity remains the root of my grief

Why didn’t he love me?

Why couldn’t I be what he needed?

Why wasn’t I – but it doesn’t matter

Because these worries run so deep, not even my shallow lust could drown these oceans

So I drown my pillow in tears, mourning the years I thought that we would be – eternally

and I reminisce on what I thought was mine, crying rivers of tears hoping the salt of my earth will run past the roots of your fears

I detest my weak mind for not being able to break this soul tie

I detest my weak heart for not penetrating this wall you’ve built

 Around your heart, energy, and essence

Leaving my love to drift alone searching for roots.

Lustful Instincts

My heart misses you

and my body lusts for your touch.

I know you’re no good for me,

but my instincts are too much.

The way we made love so sensually

and you kissed away my pain so tenderly.

Leaving my knees weak, legs shaking…I couldn’t speak but I felt you

Your love, touch, and safety became my sanctuary.

& it’s so damn hard to rationalize

when the meeting at my thighs lies moist every time I close my eyes and I see your face.

and I float into the comfort of memories of our embrace.

I wonder who can ever replace you, my lover.

via Daily Prompt: Instinct

Instinct

Healing

Healing
Unchained from all the pain n insecurity
Hurt and dependency
Release of all feelings that do not serve my higher destiny
+ restrict passion
+ entrap my soul.
Taking back my compassion from undeserving souls
I poured so much into others that there was not enough left in me to provide peace
My inner being in a state of stagnant toxicity
So I searched for love externally.
Divin’ into my destiny (FREEDOM) & pourin’ my love into my heart
It is here that I am healing
Balancing my aura, refocusing my energy
aligning these nouns and verbs with their higher purpose
Ascension to another dimension free of tensions present in this futile life.
No longer complacent ➡️ reactionary
Instead of letting the universe do unto me
I harness the energy of the Sun & bathe my soul in her heat
Free-falling fearlessly.

Sinking Soul

Foolishly, I dove into open water
I thought we were swimming together
Reaching for the oars in our boat
But, you’re drifting the other way
Salt stings my open wounds
You’re too busy coastin’
To rescue me.
I’m drowning
You float
Away.

These waves get rougher
Your heart gets tougher
My body is weak
I can’t speak.
I let go.
Swimming
Back to the safety
Of the seashore, I float
Past other fish in the sea
Cause you’re worth entire oceans.

Him

I fell in love.
I loved a man who loves himself greater than I could ever aspire to.
I watched him chase his dreams while he left me
Complacent, unhappy
Vying for his love, attention,
appreciation for all of my loving energy
but he doesn’t need me.
He fell in love with himself.

He already loves his flaws,
he doesn’t need my admiration.
He’s already strong,
he doesn’t need me.
But still, I gave and gave
And I cried and cried
Constantly wondering why –
Why doesn’t this man love me?

I tried to be all he needed
But the truth is,
he never needed me particularly,
just the apex of pleasure that lies at the meeting of my thighs.
He needed gratification,
release.
I write all about him,
I wept, without him.
Crying out my unsatisfied reprise for more.
More from him, more of him,
I tried to push us to grow together
but he’s headed to his destination alone.

He push me into his body,
and I pushed him away,
because I could not stay for one more heartbreak.

Now, I lament for him.

The Trouble with Friends II

The trouble with friends is when you cannot make amends, your heart cannot be revived without their life.

When fake folks pretend, but your joints have already learned to lean on their strength; you cannot grow, or ascend without their poison.

Your pain, they do not care to understand, yet you sink further into their abyss.