Him

I fell in love.
I loved a man who loves himself greater than I could ever aspire to.
I watched him chase his dreams while he left me
Complacent, unhappy
Vying for his love, attention,
appreciation for all of my loving energy
but he doesn’t need me.
He fell in love with himself.

He already loves his flaws,
he doesn’t need my admiration.
He’s already strong,
he doesn’t need me.
But still, I gave and gave
And I cried and cried
Constantly wondering why –
Why doesn’t this man love me?

I tried to be all he needed
But the truth is,
he never needed me particularly,
just the apex of pleasure that lies at the meeting of my thighs.
He needed gratification,
release.
I write all about him,
I wept, without him.
Crying out my unsatisfied reprise for more.
More from him, more of him,
I tried to push us to grow together
but he’s headed to his destination alone.

He push me into his body,
and I pushed him away,
because I could not stay for one more heartbreak.

Now, I lament for him.

Identity Fluidity

I saw myself getting married at 25, with my own home and kids at 27 just like my mother. Currently, 23-years-old, single and still not finished with my degree, I realize that’s not going to happen. At least, not the way I wanted it to.

Granted, I could get myself pregnant within the next two years, but still my goals would be unfulfilled. At this point in my life; I want to start my writing career, graduate from school on time, maybe go back to school for my Master’s degree and travel the world. Marriage isn’t even on my mind anymore.

I’ve learned not to define myself in terms of marital status or a relationship after my last attempt at a relationship went horribly wrong. I’m accepting that my goals can change, my identity can change. I do not need to be the traditional woman that my mother was, and I am not a failure for choosing not to be that. My identity and sense of self is fluid and may change with the seasons, and I’m okay with that. I’m constantly learning and growing; maturing spiritually and emotionally so I cannot expect to be who I thought I once was.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

– 1 Corinthians 13:11 KJV