Real love is simple, uncomplicated and unadulterated giving. I’ve spent my whole life trying to get a man to love me by changing myself to suit his needs. I sought unconditional love by giving myself conditions to be loved. I thought, “He must love me because I’m smart. Or, he must love me because my makeup is perfectly applied and my curls are intact.” In my heart, I believed that once these conditions were removed, the love would be also. Many men proved my theories to be true. But, what I didn’t understand was, these men sought my body and lusted after me. I never loved them, nor did they love me.
Love at its core is the act of selfless giving. Giving your all to someone just to see them smile is loving. There is no required reciprocal act because making your lover happy makes you equally happy. Both lovers will do the same for each other when the love is shared between two people, causing their love to grow. Love is indeed an action word that should be displayed through acts of affection, kindness, and giving. There are different ways to express love and the way it is shown to the ‘beloved’ depends entirely on their ‘lover’, but it is most definitely always shown.
My greatest mistake in love was trying to change myself to be worthy of love. This caused my self-worth and self-love to dwindle. Changing myself instead of expressing my love for the person that holds my affection proved to them that I was not worthy of love. I was untrustworthy. If even my love for myself was conditional, how could they love and trust me to love them for who they are? It would be impossible for love to grow between us when I was too afraid to release any love from my being into someone else. My reserves of love were so depleted that I hoarded all ounces of warmth that I possessed.
It was only when I began to love myself, that I became able to trust my body to regenerate love once it had been shared with others, that I was abe to give love freely. I had to fall in love with myself before I was capable of loving anyone else. Once I was comfortable sharing my love, I poured it into a man who I trusted would do the same for me. We fell in love through acts of kindness, affection, honesty and pure intentions. It is love at it’s simplest form.
My insecurity remains the root of my grief
Why didn’t he love me?
Why couldn’t I be what he needed?
Why wasn’t I – but it doesn’t matter
Because these worries run so deep, not even my shallow lust could drown these oceans
So I drown my pillow in tears, mourning the years I thought that we would be – eternally
and I reminisce on what I thought was mine, crying rivers of tears hoping the salt of my earth will run past the roots of your fears
I detest my weak mind for not being able to break this soul tie
I detest my weak heart for not penetrating this wall you’ve built
Around your heart, energy, and essence
Leaving my love to drift alone searching for roots.
Foolishly, I dove into open water
I thought we were swimming together
Reaching for the oars in our boat
But, you’re drifting the other way
Salt stings my open wounds
You’re too busy coastin’
To rescue me.
These waves get rougher
Your heart gets tougher
My body is weak
I can’t speak.
I let go.
Back to the safety
Of the seashore, I float
Past other fish in the sea
Cause you’re worth entire oceans.
I’ll start off by saying that I have very few guy friends in my life. One of whom is an ex. The other two, I sort of stumbled on during my journey. One thing they have all taught me is; men love differently than women.
For me, to love someone means to own and possess them. I need them to be exclusively mine. I also expected the same possession in the way they treat me. I desperately tried to own the last man I dated. I demanded a title from him (which I never got) in order to fulfill my need to be validated. I thought being his would make being me even more worthwhile. I’ve learned that: one: I have a couple issues with my self-esteem; two: men don’t see love as ownership or entitlement. They see it as a choice. I was in no way in love with the last guy I dated (we’ll call him Mr. X since I’ll probably be referring to him a few more times), but knowing that I was choosing to spend my time and energy on him was enough for him. He expected the same for me.
I was perpetually unsatisfied because I didn’t understand why he was comfortable investing time in me while knowing we might not have a future. That brings me to my second point, men live in the moment. To love and to cherish to a man means to continually do so. Men are satisfied when their needs are being met. For lack of a better example, I think of it as giving a dog a treat. When you give a dog a treat, they do not think about whether you forgot to feed them last week, or accidentally stepped on their paw. All is forgotten and they are happy. When you give a man affection and attention, he is happy because he assumes things are fine at that time. That is why they do not understand when women explode with anger, there were no signs leading up to it.
I’m going to go out on a limb here, and propose that as the reason for men cheating in relationships; they want to have their basic needs met. Men are testosterone-driven creatures that enjoy companionship. Once they get used to getting it consistently, if it is taken away, they seek it elsewhere. It seems to be more for their survival than the downfall of their partner. They are simple, primal creatures.