For My Uncle

My body tensed when I realized I’d have to go from the present to the past when I spoke about you.
Simple syntax becomes a catalyst for epiphany
The only place that you’ll live is in my mind
And they say all wounds heal with time
But this gash penetrates my core.
You’re not here with me anymore.

Why Love?

Because the dopamine high I get while your soul dives into mine can only be matched by the way my heart flutters when you smile.
The way you smile and chinky eyes lit up my soul
something I still don’t understand,
but the way you held me
cared for me
treated me
like a princess fit for royalty.
That is where the love lies.
In the way you looked into my eyes and it felt like our heartbeats synchronized.

Why love?
The beauty in its simplicity.
You saw me as all I ever wanted to be.
Now, I see myself twice as much for the both of us.
Make love to myself sweeter than you ever did
Caress my body more softly, more sweetly,
Sweet love, the erasure of insecurity.
It runs so deep, it radiates through my fingertips.
Safe, sacred, living energy.

Pyromaniac

Stability produces sanity but drains creativity.
I long for the tainted turmoil of relationships past,
We were fire and fire and I burnt out.
The all-consuming chemical, my love for you
combusted when I tasted the flavour of your lips
n felt the linger of your touch tantalize my skin
sending shockwaves of heat through my bloodstream.
A drug coursing through my veins,
I remain intoxicated.
Self-love abated by addiction –
for my drug of choice.

Flames burned wildly in my being ,
emaciating all of what I thought I knew.
Tearing down the walls of my heart,
scorching muscles, nothing left but tar.
Rebuilt myself with the ashes of our love,
Strangely stronger than before.
No longer comfortable in my own home.
I seek the warmth of your being
unseeing fear and consciousness
flying closer to my Sun
unafraid.

For My Grandmother

Your freckles mirror spots in time.
Growing up I called them dots
Unsure of their meaning, seemingly innocuous
But being older I see the same dots on me
Tickling my skin, imagination
Wonders of where they began.
Whenever we stand side by side I see myself in you
In the dots
I see my grandma, her warts, her spots.
You try to hide warts with make up that’s dark.
A cheetah without spots is a mere cat
You without your identifiers, undone.
Lost is our familial lineage
The unique identity in one mark.

Warts grow, expand,
unplanned.
They attributed Edith May’s to cancer
She says; “my God made me this way”
Warts maturing as the mind does
As the heart grows
As do your wings
angel.

A Song of Love

I study your face,
memorizing every freckle
mesmerized by the sharp contours of your jawline
and every hair that frames it so perfectly
the small dimple in your cheek when you smile broadens in the way you reserve for only me.
The ways your eyes soften when we make contact,
yet reflect strength;
a stoic simplicity,
in a simple blink.
Your idiosyncrasies have me falling so deeply in love with you.
Finding a magnitude of detail and desire
in the way your eyes retire from mine when I’ve won a fight,
yet always retrace the lines back to my gaze in a maze of intricacies
until our lips meet gently, ceasing my fantasy.

I memorize the details of your face
in hopes that if we ever part,
these memories will regenerate in my mind.
I revel in every moment that you are mine reminiscing of a time I yearned for a love filled with beauty between the lines.

Playing with Stones

My heart has two homes
One made of glass and one made of stone,
yet I remain incomplete, un-whole
throwing stones at glass
trying to penetrate your perfection,
looking for a crack in your pristine transparency
so I can see a reflection of me.

You are perfect and I am unworthy
dirty, undeserving of your love.
But I stay complacently,
hoping maybe, one day I can be the woman you deserve.
Stringing you along singing the same old song
I cry, I know I’m wrong
I don’t know what to do with your love
I don’t know how to live without your strength.

My heart, a place of stone,
impenetrable, soiled, bruised
every negative adjective I can use
I refuse to force another into its muck
So I’m stuck
halfhearted, half of me is still sitting in another’s arms
with a love that didn’t last.
I don’t know how to let go of the past.

I reach for my stone home
because for its solitude and safety
familiarity I can’t refuse
throwing stones at glass so pure, pristine and perfect
Vulnerable and afraid
stupid and betraying the love of my life
for safety and familiarity.

But the cold stone is all I can relate to,
hardened by the trials of life
I feel at home inside these walls of stone
hiding from my mistakes, my mess, my heartbreak
I need to feel the cold I deserve
the hardening, the pain. I hide the real me in these stone walls
from the glass that exposes the pain.

Transient Angel

u crept upon me unexpectedly n I didn’t know what would come next but I let you in
and I slowly fell in love with you and your being and all you do for me
I felt us connect so much more deeply than I could even imagine
I felt I felt
I felt emotions I cannot verbalize and poetry cannot summarize
never did I surmise that I would be the object of such affection and attention
such caring and love that carried me to another dimension

yes i fell in love with you the same way one catches a butterfly
slowly methodically then all at once
i felt the surge of emotion one night when our minds connected long before our lips did
when we synchronized before our close fell to the floor
i knew it was love when you said you would protect me
when you sacrificed a Boston Creme to see me happy
when you told me of your hopes and dreams i knew that i had never seen anyone more alluring when i saw you naked with your clothes on
i knew that this was something new
i knew I was scared
and I knew i was in love

i didn’t know that you were not mine to love
that your love is something given freely to those you encounter
that your destiny was to save souls in need
i did not know that i had been surrounded by the glow of an angel
and i cannot hold on to the love of one who loves the universe for they will always be growing into someone new
i did not know that the you i thought i knew and needed had already superseded my expectations for us
i did not know that you Source your energy from the Sun and not me so while i waited for us to rise to a higher plane
you had already fled to the next soul
my angel i see your love in the remains of mine for you
in the tears i cry for you
i see your love in the sunsets and in the skies because it was there you taught me how to love myself

Meditations on Love

What does it mean to love?
Is it a noun or is it a verb?
Is it a feeling, anything more than just a word?
For years I mused what the essence of love could possibly mean.
I’ve heard that it can make you feel as royal as the queen
As high as a kite
As if you lie on cloud nine.

I thought love was possession,
But I learned my lesson when the man I thought I loved didn’t respect my discretion.
Love became an interjection to the usual direction of my life, a lesson I was not ready to learn. I became afraid to love.

Love is Simple

Real love is simple, uncomplicated and unadulterated giving. I’ve spent my whole life trying to get a man to love me by changing myself to suit his needs. I sought unconditional love by giving myself conditions to be loved. I thought, “He must love me because I’m smart. Or, he must love me because my makeup is perfectly applied and my curls are intact.” In my heart, I believed that once these conditions were removed, the love would be also. Many men proved my theories to be true. But, what I didn’t understand was, these men sought my body and lusted after me. I never loved them, nor did they love me.

Love at its core is the act of selfless giving. Giving your all to someone just to see them smile is loving. There is no required reciprocal act because making your lover happy makes you equally happy. Both lovers will do the same for each other when the love is shared between two people, causing their love to grow. Love is indeed an action word that should be displayed through acts of affection, kindness, and giving. There are different ways to express love and the way it is shown to the ‘beloved’ depends entirely on their ‘lover’, but it is most definitely always shown.

My greatest mistake in love was trying to change myself to be worthy of love. This caused my self-worth and self-love to dwindle. Changing myself instead of expressing my love for the person that holds my affection proved to them that I was not worthy of love. I was untrustworthy. If even my love for myself was conditional, how could they love and trust me to love them for who they are? It would be impossible for love to grow between us when I was too afraid to release any love from my being into someone else. My reserves of love were so depleted that I hoarded all ounces of warmth that I possessed.

It was only when I began to love myself, that I became able to trust my body to regenerate love once it had been shared with others, that I was abe to give love freely. I had to fall in love with myself before I was capable of loving anyone else. Once I was comfortable sharing my love, I poured it into a man who I trusted would do the same for me. We fell in love through acts of kindness, affection, honesty and pure intentions. It is love at it’s simplest form.

Love Actions

Falling, falling, falling
drops of my love on you.
Trickling
running along your skin
dancing over each fear
each insecurity
& all uncertainty.

Deeper, deeper, deeper
penetrating your skin
piercing
flowing through your veins
Energizing, blissful
peaceful, tranquil, relief.

Floating, floating, floating
in the streams of your blood.
Swimming
in polluted sea.
Cleansing, repairing love
healing misplaced grief.

Freefallin’

I kept my soul enclosed the fortress of my heart
Behind the brick wall, I’ve built from heart breaks and aches that were thrown my way
But you broke down the walls of my fortress and lit my being on fire.
You entered unwaveringly into the darkness of the abyss that became my love
Removing fossilized remains of lovers past
Melting the ice around my crystallized heart
Allowing me to grow beyond the serenity of my cocoon, and fly to heights I couldn’t fathom before I met you.
Like a child ready to leave her mother’s womb- You
helped me to gestate, fed me the positivity I needed to heal
& stood by my side as I reach maturity.
I bleed through the scars of those that battered my bruised heart as I heal from tender wounds,
Open cuts and fragile veins
I surround my soul with love, relinquishing the fortress that protected her
Opening my heart to the idea of loving another again, I allow my pain and my love to bleed through the cracks of my heart
No longer trapped in my prison, my love flows freely through my being and to those around me
You protect me as I grow without fault or blame,
Emptying my arteries filled with pain, I see my Light.