My insecurity remains the root of my grief
Why didn’t he love me?
Why couldn’t I be what he needed?
Why wasn’t I – but it doesn’t matter
Because these worries run so deep, not even my shallow lust could drown these oceans
So I drown my pillow in tears, mourning the years I thought that we would be – eternally
and I reminisce on what I thought was mine, crying rivers of tears hoping the salt of my earth will run past the roots of your fears
I detest my weak mind for not being able to break this soul tie
I detest my weak heart for not penetrating this wall you’ve built
Around your heart, energy, and essence
Leaving my love to drift alone searching for roots.
I’ll start off by saying that I have very few guy friends in my life. One of whom is an ex. The other two, I sort of stumbled on during my journey. One thing they have all taught me is; men love differently than women.
For me, to love someone means to own and possess them. I need them to be exclusively mine. I also expected the same possession in the way they treat me. I desperately tried to own the last man I dated. I demanded a title from him (which I never got) in order to fulfill my need to be validated. I thought being his would make being me even more worthwhile. I’ve learned that: one: I have a couple issues with my self-esteem; two: men don’t see love as ownership or entitlement. They see it as a choice. I was in no way in love with the last guy I dated (we’ll call him Mr. X since I’ll probably be referring to him a few more times), but knowing that I was choosing to spend my time and energy on him was enough for him. He expected the same for me.
I was perpetually unsatisfied because I didn’t understand why he was comfortable investing time in me while knowing we might not have a future. That brings me to my second point, men live in the moment. To love and to cherish to a man means to continually do so. Men are satisfied when their needs are being met. For lack of a better example, I think of it as giving a dog a treat. When you give a dog a treat, they do not think about whether you forgot to feed them last week, or accidentally stepped on their paw. All is forgotten and they are happy. When you give a man affection and attention, he is happy because he assumes things are fine at that time. That is why they do not understand when women explode with anger, there were no signs leading up to it.
I’m going to go out on a limb here, and propose that as the reason for men cheating in relationships; they want to have their basic needs met. Men are testosterone-driven creatures that enjoy companionship. Once they get used to getting it consistently, if it is taken away, they seek it elsewhere. It seems to be more for their survival than the downfall of their partner. They are simple, primal creatures.
The trouble with friends is when you cannot make amends, your heart cannot be revived without their life.
When fake folks pretend, but your joints have already learned to lean on their strength; you cannot grow, or ascend without their poison.
Your pain, they do not care to understand, yet you sink further into their abyss.