Courage is getting out of bed when the voices in my head scream louder than the sound of my beating heart.
Courage is stomaching two anxiety pills and one SSRI before getting out of bed even though my father thinks I’m a drug addict.
Courage is letting go of something comfortable in order to pursue something that sets my soul on fire.
Courage is the heart-wrenching strength to go on when it feels like everything is going wrong.
Photographs cards ticket stubs
Memories of all that once was
And all it used to be
I see you in everything around me
I see resentment every time i see you
I see potential
I see passion
I see rejection
I see all I don’t want to feel
My vision is blurred and I see nothing else
Be careful what you ask of the Universe
I have found my inspiration
but I may have lost my lover.
My heart has two homes
One made of glass and one made of stone,
yet I remain incomplete, un-whole
throwing stones at glass
trying to penetrate your perfection,
looking for a crack in your pristine transparency
so I can see a reflection of me.
You are perfect and I am unworthy
dirty, undeserving of your love.
But I stay complacently,
hoping maybe, one day I can be the woman you deserve.
Stringing you along singing the same old song
I cry, I know I’m wrong
I don’t know what to do with your love
I don’t know how to live without your strength.
My heart, a place of stone,
impenetrable, soiled, bruised
every negative adjective I can use
I refuse to force another into its muck
So I’m stuck
halfhearted, half of me is still sitting in another’s arms
with a love that didn’t last.
I don’t know how to let go of the past.
I reach for my stone home
because for its solitude and safety
familiarity I can’t refuse
throwing stones at glass so pure, pristine and perfect
Vulnerable and afraid
stupid and betraying the love of my life
for safety and familiarity.
But the cold stone is all I can relate to,
hardened by the trials of life
I feel at home inside these walls of stone
hiding from my mistakes, my mess, my heartbreak
I need to feel the cold I deserve
the hardening, the pain. I hide the real me in these stone walls
from the glass that exposes the pain.
u crept upon me unexpectedly n I didn’t know what would come next but I let you in
and I slowly fell in love with you and your being and all you do for me
I felt us connect so much more deeply than I could even imagine
I felt I felt
I felt emotions I cannot verbalize and poetry cannot summarize
never did I surmise that I would be the object of such affection and attention
such caring and love that carried me to another dimension
yes i fell in love with you the same way one catches a butterfly
slowly methodically then all at once
i felt the surge of emotion one night when our minds connected long before our lips did
when we synchronized before our close fell to the floor
i knew it was love when you said you would protect me
when you sacrificed a Boston Creme to see me happy
when you told me of your hopes and dreams i knew that i had never seen anyone more alluring when i saw you naked with your clothes on
i knew that this was something new
i knew I was scared
and I knew i was in love
i didn’t know that you were not mine to love
that your love is something given freely to those you encounter
that your destiny was to save souls in need
i did not know that i had been surrounded by the glow of an angel
and i cannot hold on to the love of one who loves the universe for they will always be growing into someone new
i did not know that the you i thought i knew and needed had already superseded my expectations for us
i did not know that you Source your energy from the Sun and not me so while i waited for us to rise to a higher plane
you had already fled to the next soul
my angel i see your love in the remains of mine for you
in the tears i cry for you
i see your love in the sunsets and in the skies because it was there you taught me how to love myself
My fingers yearn to touch another,
My lips long for foreign kisses
My skin trembles with the thought
But my heart remains in the past with the safety of you.
I know you’re not good for me,
I move on somewhat regretfully
Intentionally, forcing my mind to love another
Divulge stories of past hurt
Uplift a new man, imagine a new future with a new friend.
But a piece of my heart lies buried inside of a piece of you,
A piece of me I can never regain,
I await the day it rots in your abyss allowing me to continue amidst feelings of you.
“The past is so much safer, because whatever’s in it has already happened. It can’t be changed; so, in a way, there’s nothing to dread.”
― Margaret Atwood, The Heart Goes Last
My insecurity remains the root of my grief
Why didn’t he love me?
Why couldn’t I be what he needed?
Why wasn’t I – but it doesn’t matter
Because these worries run so deep, not even my shallow lust could drown these oceans
So I drown my pillow in tears, mourning the years I thought that we would be – eternally
and I reminisce on what I thought was mine, crying rivers of tears hoping the salt of my earth will run past the roots of your fears
I detest my weak mind for not being able to break this soul tie
I detest my weak heart for not penetrating this wall you’ve built
Around your heart, energy, and essence
Leaving my love to drift alone searching for roots.