Courage

Courage is getting out of bed when the voices in my head scream louder than the sound of my beating heart.

Courage is stomaching two anxiety pills and one SSRI before getting out of bed even though my father thinks I’m a drug addict.

Courage is letting go of something comfortable in order to pursue something that sets my soul on fire.

Courage is the heart-wrenching strength to go on when it feels like everything is going wrong.

Broken Love

They say it’s better to have loved and lost than not loved at all…

Well I’m calling bullshit on that one.

I don’t think it’s better to have given my all to someone who took it for granted

Only to desire me as long as his dick could stand for it.

Leaving me with a broken heart in my hands

Ripped from my sleeve

I bleed, for you.

I loved for you.

Sacrifice and lonely nights, but I loved.

And now am lost.

Transient Angel

u crept upon me unexpectedly n I didn’t know what would come next but I let you in
and I slowly fell in love with you and your being and all you do for me
I felt us connect so much more deeply than I could even imagine
I felt I felt
I felt emotions I cannot verbalize and poetry cannot summarize
never did I surmise that I would be the object of such affection and attention
such caring and love that carried me to another dimension

yes i fell in love with you the same way one catches a butterfly
slowly methodically then all at once
i felt the surge of emotion one night when our minds connected long before our lips did
when we synchronized before our close fell to the floor
i knew it was love when you said you would protect me
when you sacrificed a Boston Creme to see me happy
when you told me of your hopes and dreams i knew that i had never seen anyone more alluring when i saw you naked with your clothes on
i knew that this was something new
i knew I was scared
and I knew i was in love

i didn’t know that you were not mine to love
that your love is something given freely to those you encounter
that your destiny was to save souls in need
i did not know that i had been surrounded by the glow of an angel
and i cannot hold on to the love of one who loves the universe for they will always be growing into someone new
i did not know that the you i thought i knew and needed had already superseded my expectations for us
i did not know that you Source your energy from the Sun and not me so while i waited for us to rise to a higher plane
you had already fled to the next soul
my angel i see your love in the remains of mine for you
in the tears i cry for you
i see your love in the sunsets and in the skies because it was there you taught me how to love myself

The Heart Goes Last

My fingers yearn to touch another,
My lips long for foreign kisses
My skin trembles with the thought
But my heart remains in the past with the safety of you.
I know you’re not good for me,
I move on somewhat regretfully
Intentionally, forcing my mind to love another
Divulge stories of past hurt
Uplift a new man, imagine a new future with a new friend.
But a piece of my heart lies buried inside of a piece of you,
A piece of me I can never regain,
I await the day it rots in your abyss allowing me to continue amidst feelings of you.

“The past is so much safer, because whatever’s in it has already happened. It can’t be changed; so, in a way, there’s nothing to dread.”
― Margaret Atwood, The Heart Goes Last

Late Night Thoughts

My insecurity remains the root of my grief

Why didn’t he love me?

Why couldn’t I be what he needed?

Why wasn’t I – but it doesn’t matter

Because these worries run so deep, not even my shallow lust could drown these oceans

So I drown my pillow in tears, mourning the years I thought that we would be – eternally

and I reminisce on what I thought was mine, crying rivers of tears hoping the salt of my earth will run past the roots of your fears

I detest my weak mind for not being able to break this soul tie

I detest my weak heart for not penetrating this wall you’ve built

 Around your heart, energy, and essence

Leaving my love to drift alone searching for roots.