Anxiety rising with the setting sun
Assaults from unloving souls resurface
Shadows haunt my conscious mind
Possibly paranoia –
Losing touch with reality
I see the face of
my former lover
my current enemy
all around me.
Featured image taken by Alexander Palacios
Lauryn Hill just wanted reciprocity
but see, I just want your honesty.
Did you ever love me?
not some idealized fantasy
the scarred jaded being that I am
that couldn’t live up to your expectations
and neediness and clinginess.
We fell into a mess of codependency,
We called it love,
We pretended to be happy.
Courage is getting out of bed when the voices in my head scream louder than the sound of my beating heart.
Courage is stomaching two anxiety pills and one SSRI before getting out of bed even though my father thinks I’m a drug addict.
Courage is letting go of something comfortable in order to pursue something that sets my soul on fire.
Courage is the heart-wrenching strength to go on when it feels like everything is going wrong.
Photographs cards ticket stubs
Memories of all that once was
And all it used to be
I see you in everything around me
I see resentment every time i see you
I see potential
I see passion
I see rejection
I see all I don’t want to feel
My vision is blurred and I see nothing else
Be careful what you ask of the Universe
I have found my inspiration
but I may have lost my lover.
They say it’s better to have loved and lost than not loved at all…
Well I’m calling bullshit on that one.
I don’t think it’s better to have given my all to someone who took it for granted
Only to desire me as long as his dick could stand for it.
Leaving me with a broken heart in my hands
Ripped from my sleeve
I bleed, for you.
I loved for you.
Sacrifice and lonely nights, but I loved.
And now am lost.
u crept upon me unexpectedly n I didn’t know what would come next but I let you in
and I slowly fell in love with you and your being and all you do for me
I felt us connect so much more deeply than I could even imagine
I felt I felt
I felt emotions I cannot verbalize and poetry cannot summarize
never did I surmise that I would be the object of such affection and attention
such caring and love that carried me to another dimension
yes i fell in love with you the same way one catches a butterfly
slowly methodically then all at once
i felt the surge of emotion one night when our minds connected long before our lips did
when we synchronized before our close fell to the floor
i knew it was love when you said you would protect me
when you sacrificed a Boston Creme to see me happy
when you told me of your hopes and dreams i knew that i had never seen anyone more alluring when i saw you naked with your clothes on
i knew that this was something new
i knew I was scared
and I knew i was in love
i didn’t know that you were not mine to love
that your love is something given freely to those you encounter
that your destiny was to save souls in need
i did not know that i had been surrounded by the glow of an angel
and i cannot hold on to the love of one who loves the universe for they will always be growing into someone new
i did not know that the you i thought i knew and needed had already superseded my expectations for us
i did not know that you Source your energy from the Sun and not me so while i waited for us to rise to a higher plane
you had already fled to the next soul
my angel i see your love in the remains of mine for you
in the tears i cry for you
i see your love in the sunsets and in the skies because it was there you taught me how to love myself
My fingers yearn to touch another,
My lips long for foreign kisses
My skin trembles with the thought
But my heart remains in the past with the safety of you.
I know you’re not good for me,
I move on somewhat regretfully
Intentionally, forcing my mind to love another
Divulge stories of past hurt
Uplift a new man, imagine a new future with a new friend.
But a piece of my heart lies buried inside of a piece of you,
A piece of me I can never regain,
I await the day it rots in your abyss allowing me to continue amidst feelings of you.
“The past is so much safer, because whatever’s in it has already happened. It can’t be changed; so, in a way, there’s nothing to dread.”
― Margaret Atwood, The Heart Goes Last
My insecurity remains the root of my grief
Why didn’t he love me?
Why couldn’t I be what he needed?
Why wasn’t I – but it doesn’t matter
Because these worries run so deep, not even my shallow lust could drown these oceans
So I drown my pillow in tears, mourning the years I thought that we would be – eternally
and I reminisce on what I thought was mine, crying rivers of tears hoping the salt of my earth will run past the roots of your fears
I detest my weak mind for not being able to break this soul tie
I detest my weak heart for not penetrating this wall you’ve built
Around your heart, energy, and essence
Leaving my love to drift alone searching for roots.
Unchained from all the pain n insecurity
Hurt and dependency
Release of all feelings that do not serve my higher destiny
+ restrict passion
+ entrap my soul.
Taking back my compassion from undeserving souls
I poured so much into others that there was not enough left in me to provide peace
My inner being in a state of stagnant toxicity
So I searched for love externally.
Divin’ into my destiny (FREEDOM) & pourin’ my love into my heart
It is here that I am healing
Balancing my aura, refocusing my energy
aligning these nouns and verbs with their higher purpose
Ascension to another dimension free of tensions present in this futile life.
No longer complacent ➡️ reactionary
Instead of letting the universe do unto me
I harness the energy of the Sun & bathe my soul in her heat
I fell in love.
I loved a man who loves himself greater than I could ever aspire to.
I watched him chase his dreams while he left me
Vying for his love, attention,
appreciation for all of my loving energy
but he doesn’t need me.
He fell in love with himself.
He already loves his flaws,
he doesn’t need my admiration.
He’s already strong,
he doesn’t need me.
But still, I gave and gave
And I cried and cried
Constantly wondering why –
Why doesn’t this man love me?
I tried to be all he needed
But the truth is,
he never needed me particularly,
just the apex of pleasure that lies at the meeting of my thighs.
He needed gratification,
I write all about him,
I wept, without him.
Crying out my unsatisfied reprise for more.
More from him, more of him,
I tried to push us to grow together
but he’s headed to his destination alone.
He push me into his body,
and I pushed him away,
because I could not stay for one more heartbreak.
Now, I lament for him.
The trouble with friends is when you cannot make amends, your heart cannot be revived without their life.
When fake folks pretend, but your joints have already learned to lean on their strength; you cannot grow, or ascend without their poison.
Your pain, they do not care to understand, yet you sink further into their abyss.