Disappearing

I feel my body getting smaller

inch by inch my stomach recedes

away from dining tables and dinner plates

away away away

from food and water and vitamins

and sustenance.

These tangible torturous things

disgust me

but keep me alive

& force me into

this life.

Starvation —

the sweetest relinquished relief

of life.

The Paradox

The need to write wakes me up in the night
Thoughts ricochet off of dreams, memories
Lucidity. Superego runs wild
Translucent clarity breeds vivacity.

Sharp focus without bifocal lenses
Breath trembles on cotton pillowcases
Merging the conscious with the imagined
Unconscious comprehension.

Past tears and traumas dominate this realm
Phallic fantasies frolic in my mind
Freeing pain but concealing its power
Reminiscing during REM Cycles.

Courage

Courage is getting out of bed when the voices in my head scream louder than the sound of my beating heart.

Courage is stomaching two anxiety pills and one SSRI before getting out of bed even though my father thinks I’m a drug addict.

Courage is letting go of something comfortable in order to pursue something that sets my soul on fire.

Courage is the heart-wrenching strength to go on when it feels like everything is going wrong.

Silent Screams

Past wounds penetrated by the slice of fresh memories
and the pain isn’t foreign to me
bleeding into reality like the blood on the leaves
the fantasy of bodies flying over car hoods onto the concrete
spilling into the earth like tears spilled onto leather car seats
that absorbed my pain n muffled my screams
this time you will hear me and this time you will see me.