Featured Image: Bob Penuelas
Featured Image: Bob Penuelas
I feel my body getting smaller
inch by inch my stomach recedes
away from dining tables and dinner plates
away away away
from food and water and vitamins
These tangible torturous things
but keep me alive
& force me into
the sweetest relinquished relief
I am sad
I don’t know why
the tears roll
down my cheeks
Weeping for something
unknown to me – happiness.
The need to write wakes me up in the night
Thoughts ricochet off of dreams, memories
Lucidity. Superego runs wild
Translucent clarity breeds vivacity.
Sharp focus without bifocal lenses
Breath trembles on cotton pillowcases
Merging the conscious with the imagined
Past tears and traumas dominate this realm
Phallic fantasies frolic in my mind
Freeing pain but concealing its power
Reminiscing during REM Cycles.
Courage is getting out of bed when the voices in my head scream louder than the sound of my beating heart.
Courage is stomaching two anxiety pills and one SSRI before getting out of bed even though my father thinks I’m a drug addict.
Courage is letting go of something comfortable in order to pursue something that sets my soul on fire.
Courage is the heart-wrenching strength to go on when it feels like everything is going wrong.
Photographs cards ticket stubs
Memories of all that once was
And all it used to be
I see you in everything around me
I see resentment every time i see you
I see potential
I see passion
I see rejection
I see all I don’t want to feel
My vision is blurred and I see nothing else
Past wounds penetrated by the slice of fresh memories
and the pain isn’t foreign to me
bleeding into reality like the blood on the leaves
the fantasy of bodies flying over car hoods onto the concrete
spilling into the earth like tears spilled onto leather car seats
that absorbed my pain n muffled my screams
this time you will hear me and this time you will see me.
Is it meant to heal?
Releasing catharsis through veins like gravel poured over the roses in the concrete.
Layers of comfort and complacency piled on top of each other – sedimentary rock
A natural disconnect forms an ecosystem of comfort, care, pressure, love.
Transformation so great, it’s almost metapoetry.
Fear metastasized into strength in the soul of a new being
Bonded together with pressure, incubated in an atmosphere of trust
Love is what we breathe.
It can be heard in the song of the wind
Or seen in the dance of the raindrops
free-falling from the safety of the cloud to the callous rock
Yet landing on the tender web of a spider
Spun delicately, deliberately and at the perfect time.
Dampening our fortress –
Without sacrificing the safety of its home.
I still love you.
I never stopped and I always have.
The truth is –
I don’t know how to
stop loving you.
I can be completely happy
with someone else
but when I
hear the sound
of your voice,
it all comes rushing back.
My body tensed when I realized I’d have to go from the present to the past when I spoke about you.
Simple syntax becomes a catalyst for epiphany
The only place that you’ll live is in my mind
And they say all wounds heal with time
But this gash penetrates my core.
You’re not here with me anymore.
Everyone loves to see my smile
so big, beautiful, infectious
magnetic and genuine
but the world can only see
all that I pretend to be.
It seems we all get caught up
in appearances, distanced from reality.
The real me is always an arms-length away.
And I like it that way.
I keep it that way.
Keeping you farther and farther
from my pain before I implode
with no more warning than my trembling lips and fingertips signing for help while they push you away,
crying for comfort but begging for space.
I fret you won’t understand
this brokenness as I lie in a broken mess
of tears and bleeding wrists inflicted from a sharp tongue,
and sharper voices in my mind cutting deeper into the wells of insecurity.
My own hands dig deeper into flesh searching my veins for happiness.
Because the dopamine high I get while your soul dives into mine can only be matched by the way my heart flutters when you smile.
The way you smile and chinky eyes lit up my soul
something I still don’t understand,
but the way you held me
cared for me
like a princess fit for royalty.
That is where the love lies.
In the way you looked into my eyes and it felt like our heartbeats synchronized.
The beauty in its simplicity.
You saw me as all I ever wanted to be.
Now, I see myself twice as much for the both of us.
Make love to myself sweeter than you ever did
Caress my body more softly, more sweetly,
Sweet love, the erasure of insecurity.
It runs so deep, it radiates through my fingertips.
Safe, sacred, living energy.