Constant
Ever present
Positive
Negative
Instantaneous
Yet everlasting.
Featured Image: Bob Penuelas
Author / ElleDawn
Disappearing
I feel my body getting smaller
inch by inch my stomach recedes
away from dining tables and dinner plates
away away away
from food and water and vitamins
and sustenance.
These tangible torturous things
disgust me
but keep me alive
& force me into
this life.
Starvation —
the sweetest relinquished relief
of life.
Wildflowers
Wildflowers penetrate the porous dirt
Mingling with the grasses
Unafraid to assert their presence in the fields. Wildflowers dance freely,
spreading seeds through the air
Along the music of the wind.
Wildflowers; bright yellow, purple lilac
A great contrast to the uniformity of grass.
Wildflowers rise wild, brave, and free. Alive.
A Conversation with my Bus Driver
“You’re going the wrong way!”
“The school’s that way!”
I trod away from university
A universe lies between me and the others.
Boiling intensity
resonates in my mind
resonates in my bones
resonates in my soul.
“Am I good enough?”
More questions than answers flood my mind
But I doubt you have the time to answer.
You pander before the quickest release
Of the pedal that rests beneath your feet.
The bus’ engine roars, your voice quiets
My time to talk has ceased.
Image source: BlogTO
Scratch
Tears fall from wells
behind my eyes
pools of potential
fear, doubt, worry
shooting through
eyeballs on cue
into pockets
of losses.
Who is Love?
I’ve had many lovers,
I’ve made love many times,
but my love was found in the reflection of me in;
your eyes
your soul
your way.
Fingers grip flesh so deep it pierces the skin,
hurting you, strengthening me,
we continue in this ritual of emotions,
too strong to be expressed physically,
into the moment before the release,
when two souls become one entity,
and leave bare bodies on exposed sheets.
Lucid dreaming as you thrust your energy into me,
Tangible pain yields tantric bliss.
You are love.
Fear
Anxiety rising with the setting sun
Assaults from unloving souls resurface
Shadows haunt my conscious mind
Possibly paranoia –
Losing touch with reality
I see the face of
my former lover
my current enemy
all around me.
Featured image taken by Alexander Palacios
Feeling feelings
I am sad
I don’t know why
the tears roll
down my cheeks
Weeping for something
unknown to me – happiness.
Questions
Lauryn Hill just wanted reciprocity
but see, I just want your honesty.
Did you ever love me?
not some idealized fantasy
the scarred jaded being that I am
that couldn’t live up to your expectations
and neediness and clinginess.
We fell into a mess of codependency,
We called it love,
We pretended to be happy.
The Paradox
The need to write wakes me up in the night
Thoughts ricochet off of dreams, memories
Lucidity. Superego runs wild
Translucent clarity breeds vivacity.
Sharp focus without bifocal lenses
Breath trembles on cotton pillowcases
Merging the conscious with the imagined
Unconscious comprehension.
Past tears and traumas dominate this realm
Phallic fantasies frolic in my mind
Freeing pain but concealing its power
Reminiscing during REM Cycles.
Courage
Courage is getting out of bed when the voices in my head scream louder than the sound of my beating heart.
Courage is stomaching two anxiety pills and one SSRI before getting out of bed even though my father thinks I’m a drug addict.
Courage is letting go of something comfortable in order to pursue something that sets my soul on fire.
Courage is the heart-wrenching strength to go on when it feels like everything is going wrong.
Strange Fits of Crying
Photographs cards ticket stubs
Memories of all that once was
And all it used to be
I see you in everything around me
I see resentment every time i see you
I see potential
I see passion
I see rejection
I see all I don’t want to feel
And then
My vision is blurred and I see nothing else
